I remember her, the girl in Red. She always wore Red. Which battle she was fighting, I never asked. I was familiar with the color Red because of her, therefore she was Red to me. Red was quick to raise her hand in class. Always had an answer to everything, even for silence. This particular day she didn’t raise her hand but simply cut someone short and started talking about her father. We all knew her father nonetheless God knew him too well. It was my turn. We were supposed to talk about the men in our lives. The naive kids we were, we simply spoke of fathers. Who else were men to us but those we called fathers. I wasn’t looking, but everyone’s eyes was on me. I could feel the expectation from the windows to the walls, each had their ears wide waiting to hear a tale of a legend. However, for those whom I had given a peek in to the backyard of my house had their eyes in their books. Those are the people I had the courage to look, why? I needed validation to lie. I wanted to see “its OK” in their eyes but they remained glued in their books. I understood this because from my backyard they had seen a picture of a man whom they inquired about. I simply smiled and said “my father”. They had seen the photo and they had seen my face and they had concluded that I did not know the man in the 16″ x 20″ picture frame. Maybe it was the way I had said the word “father”, maybe it was the hesitation or emphasis on the word “my” but I knew they knew that I had no father therefore I had no tale.
I throw myself to everything, i know of cancer
I throw myself to empty spaces,art,music, food and people, i dwell in darkness
I throw myself and never hold on to anything, death, is but a shadow i can’t escape.
I am sitting in a script class and we were directed to write a 10-minute short script
But first we are told what was to be expected in the script
It wasn’t really surprising because that’s what we watch or I see all the time
The script is to have a Protagonist and an antagonist
The protagonist must have suffered a great lose, got redemption and saves the day
Our antagonist must also have suffered but only wants nothing but destruction for the rest
everyone starts pitching their ideas, really, people want to talk about zombies, gorilla monsters and robots that take over the world before their protagonists find away to obviously emerge the hero and save humanity.
Its my turn and I say, I will bring out the monsters in people.
For the life in me, I haven’t seen any creature that destroys the human race if it isn’t
Everyone wants to create this other creature and point at it, that’s the monster
Because they are somehow ugly from the outside
However yet, we are the real monsters
We kill our children, poison the environment and sleep well at night
How callous can the human race be, afraid of facing who we are and creating and non-existent antagonist just to call it a monster.
As usual I walk in like I own the place, frankly I do, I pay the bills and take care of my two Angels.
Ela, is standing, more of supporting her weight on the table, she’s only one and her eyes are fixed on the TV. I tip toe slowly passing behind her coz I know once she sees me she won’t let go. Amanda says I spoil her since whenever I get home that’s when Ela cries and throws all the tantrums until I hold her and give her my world.
I walk upstairs switching off my phone, I hope to surprise Amanda. Amanda is sited on the bed, her head on her hands. I don’t want to shock her, she’s carrying our next child.
“Baby…..” I say while throwing the jacket of my back on to the bed.
“uh…what the Fuck did I do?’ Amanda says now raising her voice,
“just tell me and please don’t lie, I know you have sleeping with someone else beside this matrimonial bed that you vowed to stick to”
I look up at Amanda, I see her bloody eyes, she is now looking straight at me while her right hand is on her neck as if she would snap it.
“Baby, i……don’t trip, it’s not what you think.”
Sarcastically laughing and more tears coming from her eyes.
” Huh! Classic, why didn’t I see this coming…”
I walk towards her, am trying to hold her but she pushes me back. I see that physically she is exhausted but at this moment, I see the life in her about to fade.
“why the fuck did you decide to cheat?”
Amanda is now raising her voice and trying to get out of the bed. I rush to assist her but she pushes me away
“ Tell me, why do this to us?”
I am a step back from her, with no words to say.
“ and please don’t lie,…swear it…” she couldn’t even finish her sentence she let herself fall on the bedroom floor.
Am on the floor trying to put my arms around her “ Baby it don’t matter”
Amanda is now hysterical and she is hitting me.
“ I hate you, I hate you, I hat………why? I just wanna know why?’
Am now trying to hold her face but she grabs me again and pushes me away. She rolls on the ground yelling and screaming out my name, and just like that Ela starts crying.
I move towards the wall, still on the floor. I am battling with myself, should I attend to my baby and leave my pregnant wife rolling and screaming on the floor. The more Amanda screamed the louder Ela’s cries got.
“what the fuck have I done?” I think to myself
I can’t tell Amanda to stop screaming, I mean hadn’t I just forfeited the rights to tell her anything. I can’t even help my two Angels, I had just brought hell to them, who am I if not the devil.
I look at my wife, yes, my wife, I usually call her by her name because I never want her to feel like I poses her but at this moment, she is mine and she hurting, I see all this in her eyes and I feel her anger.
I walk up to the bathroom and close the door behind me. I have to compose myself and do something but I look at the mirror and all I see was the man I hated, the man who had done the same thing to my mother, I see my father in that reflection. I had promised not to be like him, even when my mother taught me how to forgive, I believed he was the last being who deserved forgiveness in the whole wide world. Yet here I am, funny really, this apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I tell myself it can’t end here, history won’t have it in the end.
“Amanda, whoever is in that belly of yours and Ela, am sorry.”
The moment you walked into my life everything changed,
So did I,
I become so sensitive and allowed myself to feel, to be present
to be aware of the feelings of those around me.
You made me give a sh*t to colors, rain and the moon
What an elegant transformation for a being,
You see, am used to crap, am used to loud voices, bitter smiles and wicked laughter
All I know is that I had to have my amour up all the time, always ready for war
And maybe that’s why I took time with you
Guess I was fighting love, jokes on me, love always wins
Here we are, you in my arm and I can’t stop looking into your eyes
Am reborn, you were my savior, it sounds like a huge burden on your part
But without you, I wouldn’t know what’s its like to live, just to survive.
I am writing with a clear head I think, this is the only way I know how to say what I need to say. Its been a hard couple of months on my part, nothing major, probably what I deserve but sometimes it takes me under and I can’t just cope. What I need you to know is not the past because all those mistakes can not be amended, all those words I should have said maybe would not have changed this moment or rather what came to pass. What you need to know is that I am trying to work on myself and with that I need to distance myself from you because you are my trigger and I relapse. I get over myself expecting more however I know and you know that that would never happen.
However, it’s not easy, it’s not like am getting it right, am doing it by myself, learning what I have done wrong and trying to amend, attorn. What I need you to do, a favor I may say, the first I will ever ask and maybe the last. If by your birthday, am still taking shots and bitterness keeps weighing me down, please say your goodbyes or just tell me no, I need to hear that from you then maybe I will learn something and grow from it.
W.N Continue reading
Am filled with words today with no one to tell me to. of course they are all meant for you but I’ll never get the courage to tell to. I swear I have just lost it. You must as well prepare a funeral service for me since am already dead. And those are my last words. I hope you get them before am put in the ground but they are in reverse. “I fancy you …”